Socially Awkward

    Let me begin by saying, I love meeting new people. My mind and personality has always loved and thrived off of making new friends, no matter how difficult it could get. People are amazing. All of their different stories, and thoughts, and hopes, and feelings. I like social activities. Personally, I really do. I guess this is an example of how my eyesight and it's physical manifestations really grate against my personality.

     We went to a great poetry reading last night, held by one of Phil's compatriots in the English Graduate Program, Gina. While I really looked forward to going, meeting groups of new people always makes me nervous. Which makes the chances of me seeing double for most of the night a more likely occurrence. I avoid eye contact. Because I know, that when I'm seeing double, it's because my left eye is not pointed in the same direction as my right. I don't want to look people in the face. I don't want to try to make eye contact. Call it conditioning from childhood if you want. It has a tendency to make a fun, enjoyable event more anxiety ridden than it needs to be.
    Phil and a few other people there read some of their work. It was fun to listen to the sounds of people's spark, igniting and burning brightly for everyone in the room to see. Each person's style was different. I listening to a mosaic of words, wrapped up in them. And ukulele music. Phil had told me to bring something, I like to write satirical poetry among other things. But I really don't like to read in front of people. The pressure makes it hard to focus on the words sometimes. Sometimes they swim, like a math exam, and I stumble over the words. Maybe next time, I will have some things memorized. The problem with memorization is that, then you should be albe to make eye contact with people in the room as you speak. I really don't like to make eye contact with new people. Friends that I have had for awhile make it easier, they usually have known me long enough to either like who I am or not, most of the preliminary judgment is over.

    It's hard for me to believe that in 36 weeks, I won't have to worry about that any more. I won't have to worry about losing another job interview because my left eye decided that precise moment would be a good time to stroll around the room on its own. It makes people uncomfortable. It's creepy. Not the kind of thing they promote in retail, at Game Stop, even though the kid that they did hire looked nice and normal. He didn't know shit about video games. I know video games. Looks are more important, than knowledge. The lesson I've been taught and re-taught my entire life. And a lot of the time, looks dictate whether you're worth listening to or not.