Experience of Space

       I had my therapy session on wendsday this week, since they are closed for my usual session on friday. I had thought that it was amazing enough that I was able to put pegs into a rotating peg board using only my weak eye. The peg board has the letters of the alphabet randomly placed at different angles all over the board. The goal is to place the pegs into the board in alphabetical order then take them back out in alphabetical order. I was able to do both using only my weak eye. It was amazing, especially since only a month ago I could not read anything with my weak eye, let alone track moving letters on a spinning board.
       But the most amazing thing that happened in therapy this week happened during a tracking exercise. My therapist holds a gold ball on a silver stick and I follow it with my eyes. He was commenting on how my weak eye no longer jerks when it's tracking something. I could feel the difference, it is somewhat difficult to explain. There used to be this pulling, halting sensation in my left eye when I moved it to look at something. I had not noticed it too much, until it stopped doing it. Now, I can tell a huge difference! This, however, is not the most amazing thing. While my therapist was moving the ball toward and away my face, instead of seeing one and a half balls, like I usually do, the ball turned into one and I had the most bizarre sensation of roundness while looking at the ball, and the room expanded outward from my body. For half a second, I had depth perception.
       For those of you that do not know what it is like to not have depth perception, I want you to take a picture of a room of your house, print it off, then stand in the same spot you took the picture in. Look at the picture, and then look at the room. Without depth perception, I see the room as a flat object, like a picture. It's like standing inside of the picture. You are not part of the picture. You do not fit into the flat space. You are just stuck in the middle of it. Flat pictures surround you as you move through the world. That is the best way that I can describe it.
        For those of you that do not have depth perception, I want you to go into a space that you are familiar with. Preferably a small room, that you can reach around in and touch things. Perhaps a bathroom. Close your eyes and picture the room in your head, slowly reach out. Think carefully about how far you are reaching. How does reaching out to the sink relate to reaching the mirror or wall. Do not use your eyes to tell you what the space looks like. Use only your brain and let it tell you how the things in the space are related to each other. Stay concious of the open space, and how it radiates out from where you are standing. That is the best way I can describe to you what it is like. To see it, is completely different, but to understand the feeling of space that is the only way that I can think to describe it to you.

Eye Stretches

         Everyone should do them. Look as far as you can in each direction and hold for three seconds. It has really helped reduce eye strain for me. It's good for everyone to do. Have to wait to pick someone up? Two, three minutes of eye streches. Cooking dinner and waiting for something to get finished? Do some eye streches. Waiting for your kids to get out of the bathroom? Eye stretches. Anyone that has to work on a computer or with fine detail for an extended period of time should definetly consider eye stretches. My eyes used to ache and become fatigued after an hour or two of working on the computer. By the end of a term paper, I would be squinting out of tiny slits just to keep the words in focus, but I noticed a difference after a couple of weeks of doing stretches five nights a week. Now I can work for hours if I need to without getting a headache or everything becoming blury. It only takes 2 to 5 minutes, depending on how much time you want to devote to it, and the benefits are fantastic.

Thus far

     It has been a set of long weeks filled with finals, illnesses, last minute exams before finals, and other issues. Therapy has continued to amaze me. For the first time in my life three weeks ago, I was able to read letters with my left eye. I could not pinpoint where they were I could only pick out a few letters on a sheet of paper that has collumns of them. The next week I was able to catch a ball back and forth between my hands using only my left eye, although my eye still lagged behind the ball a bit, I was able to keep up enough to keep catching the ball. I was also to take the letter chart and read a series of letters and tell exactly which row those letters were in. This past week, I was able to start at the begining of the alphabet and find the letters on a peg wheel using only my left eye, I was able to reach m before getting confused (with n).

      I was able to trick my therapist at a point. He thought that I had some depth perception because I was using a stick with three colors on it to bat at a ball hanging from a string and I was able to keep the rythmn and force consistant. I had only missed the ball a couple of times. But the whole time I was using the rythmn to help me focus on keeping my force the same when hitting the ball. I was using the string to judge the distance between the ball and me and the floor. As long as I kept my arms at the same angle and the force on the ball consistant, I would be able to keep hitting the ball. It really made me think about how I make up for my lack of visual depth. I've stopped and thought about it more over the past couple of weeks. I realize that I use angles and lines, like a painter does when mimicking depth on a flat canvas. I use these tricks to try and position myself in the world.

     I need to speak with my doctor thought, I am not sure if it is the stress of finals week. (I've been starting at the computer a lot, and trying to re-read math notes) but the vision in my right eye goes out of focus. It has only done it a couple of times and I believe it has all been during the week before finals and this week of finals. The doctor had told me that I would get to a point where my doiminate (right) eye would weaken in a sense in order to allow the weak (left) eye to take up the slack. I go in tomorrow, so I will find out then what I should do. The doctor had lead me to believe that this would not happen until more the middle of my treatment, but according to my therapist, I am moving along at an impressive rate.

First real session

    I had meant to write after each session, but I do not foresee that being the case. I was completely wiped out yesterday. My weak eye was so tired that it had drifted far to the outside corner of my eye socket. Usually, it does not drift that far. But fatigue makes the "eye turn" worse, and it was pretty terrible yesterday. I feel like the fact that I was so tired from that session yesterday was proof that work was actually getting done. This time I had to match lights to the letters that were pasted next to them on the star trek contraption. (I'll remember what it's called eventually and start using it's real name) Which, of course, I could not do with my weak eye, because I cannot read with it. I had to walk a straight line, heel to toe, which was difficult in itself. Then walk the line wearing prism lenses (angled lenses that cause your eyes to focus strangely...think drunk goggles). Then again with stronger prisms. I almost fell over quite a few times, and I thought I was going to get sick.
    A revelation struck me this session. My left eye sees fine, except for what I am focused on. Whatever I focus on, my brain doesn't fully comprehend and only wants to use the image supplied by my right eye. I have never had a way to describe it before, but now, through the use of bi-coloured lenses, I have been able to see what my brain tries to shut out the most. This makes me hopeful, because that means that my brain still receives all of the impulses sent by my weak eye and will not have to learn how to turn those impulses on, as with some patients.

Really?!

So my dad was my assistant yesterday. I had to do an activity using the awesome pirate patch. When I was done using only my weak eye, my own father said, "That was your strong eye right?" and when I told him no, he was surprised. Then we finished with eye stretches and dad said that while he could tell that my left eye doesn't have the range of movement that my right does, that the left eye had improved. So far so good.

Mr. Sulu...

    Therapy began yesterday. They are putting me through a series of exercises like eye stretches. Where I move my eyes without turning my head as far as I can turn them, and hold them there. This is to build up muscle strength around the eyes. I also have to do body lifts, where I lay on my stomach and lift different appendages and hold them in the air, this is supposed to get my brain and body to work together better. This will apparently help me become less of a klutz, I have my doubts... This is mostly home stuff though, that my lovely assistant Phil, has to help me with.
   The first day wasn't much really. I was given my binder, and had the different exercises and worksheets explained to me. I did discover, while having on what reminds me of old-school 3-D glasses, that my eyes seem to combine part of a picture, at least sometimes. My brain combines the periphery of what the weak eye sees, with what the dominate eye sees, only a little though. But the main object I'm looking at is either ignored through the weak eye, or shown, usually not in its entirety, slightly off to the right of what my dominant eye sees. It can be a little annoying since it's always changing.
    I also got to play on the set of Star Trek, but, unfortunately, the therapist is not William Shatner or George Takei. I was told to stand in front of this large grey contraption that had about 12 radials on it that had lights on them. It kind of looked like an unfinished outline of a bicycle wheel drawn onto a large grey box. A timer is then set on the box and a light will turn on. You push the light, it goes out, and another comes on somewhere else. You push it, it goes out, ect. You are supposed to see how many you can do in a given time. This is one of the pirate patch activities. I started with the weak eye. Switched to the dominant eye. Then used both eyes. I was in the high 60's almost 70's with the dominant eye. Stayed around 65 with both eyes. And my highest score with the weak eye, 24. There was one light in particular that kept giving me trouble. The bottom right light I could see, but I just couldn't pin point it. It was very frustrating, but I doubt Uhura started kicking the machinery on deck ...

What I found

   Upon looking for a different way to treat my sight, I found vision therapy, that can apparently treat a multitude of issues. Mine being only one of many more.
    Learning disorders, such as ADD or dyslexia can also be treated with vision therapy. In many cases, people with these types of problems, granted the American Optometric Association says that it should be used in conjunction with other treatments, benefit from vision therapy. But learning disabilities can be an issue with the brain not processing what the person sees, which causes them to have trouble focusing on tasks. I have a set of links on this page that, if bored or interested, there are success stories of what has been treated with vision therapy. I think that it may be worth a try, especially for a child with ADD or ADHD, because maybe then, they can avoid medication.
   Vision therapy is a series of eye training exercises that teach your brain and eyes to work in conjunction with each other, and teaches your eyes to work together. For people that have problems with eye fatigue, eye strain, focusing on reading, comprehending what they are reading, or understanding math, vision therapy may be something to consider. But if you want, you can let me spend the money and see if it works before you give it a try.

Socially Awkward

    Let me begin by saying, I love meeting new people. My mind and personality has always loved and thrived off of making new friends, no matter how difficult it could get. People are amazing. All of their different stories, and thoughts, and hopes, and feelings. I like social activities. Personally, I really do. I guess this is an example of how my eyesight and it's physical manifestations really grate against my personality.

     We went to a great poetry reading last night, held by one of Phil's compatriots in the English Graduate Program, Gina. While I really looked forward to going, meeting groups of new people always makes me nervous. Which makes the chances of me seeing double for most of the night a more likely occurrence. I avoid eye contact. Because I know, that when I'm seeing double, it's because my left eye is not pointed in the same direction as my right. I don't want to look people in the face. I don't want to try to make eye contact. Call it conditioning from childhood if you want. It has a tendency to make a fun, enjoyable event more anxiety ridden than it needs to be.
    Phil and a few other people there read some of their work. It was fun to listen to the sounds of people's spark, igniting and burning brightly for everyone in the room to see. Each person's style was different. I listening to a mosaic of words, wrapped up in them. And ukulele music. Phil had told me to bring something, I like to write satirical poetry among other things. But I really don't like to read in front of people. The pressure makes it hard to focus on the words sometimes. Sometimes they swim, like a math exam, and I stumble over the words. Maybe next time, I will have some things memorized. The problem with memorization is that, then you should be albe to make eye contact with people in the room as you speak. I really don't like to make eye contact with new people. Friends that I have had for awhile make it easier, they usually have known me long enough to either like who I am or not, most of the preliminary judgment is over.

    It's hard for me to believe that in 36 weeks, I won't have to worry about that any more. I won't have to worry about losing another job interview because my left eye decided that precise moment would be a good time to stroll around the room on its own. It makes people uncomfortable. It's creepy. Not the kind of thing they promote in retail, at Game Stop, even though the kid that they did hire looked nice and normal. He didn't know shit about video games. I know video games. Looks are more important, than knowledge. The lesson I've been taught and re-taught my entire life. And a lot of the time, looks dictate whether you're worth listening to or not.

In the begining...

    That is usually the best place to start. Well, I have Amblyopia Strabismus. Amblyopia is also known as "Lazy Eye." It is when the eye looses it's ability to see detail while the eye itself is in perfect condition. Strabismus is the technical term for "Crossed Eyes." I have been this way as long as I can remember. I was wearing glasses, before most children had even had their first eye exam. (This is where I tell parents that it is vitally important to get your children eye exams by the age of 1. There are doctors that will do it, you just have to find them. Doctors are apparently afraid of children...The American Optomentric Association recommends the first exam by 6 months.)
    When I was little, little enough that these are my first memories, all I remember is the world looking like a jumbled mess. I never knew where to step or if what I was seeing in front of me was really there. I hit my head and fell down a lot. I was not a graceful child. I ran into things, tripped over stuff that may or may not have been there. I was made fun of often by other children, family members, adults. I was called retarded, stupid, blind. No kid wants to play with someone that can't catch a simple ball.
     As I got older, my vision improved a little over time, mostly because my brain started to shut down what my left eye saw. There was less confusion, less objects that weren't there. I remember when my eye doctor first patched my dominant eye, the eye that allowed me to see. It was terrible, a nightmare. It was like trying to navigate a world that had invisible things in it. I was back to tripping and falling into things. I used to cheat, I'd go in the other room and take the patch off or I'd peel a corner up so I could look out it. Wearing the patch used to make me feel physically sick. Everything was distorted. But had I realized what I was doing, I'd like to think I would have just sucked it up and dealt with it. As far as I can tell, this was around age 4.
    Life went on. The eye doctor from my young childhood told my parents to forget the eye patch, and that by the time I was an adult they would be able to do surgery to fix the problem. So I continued to grow up, peers gradually stopped making fun of me so much towards high school, and I slowly learned tricks to deal with my vision, stopped falling down stairs all the time. All the while, waiting until I was old enough for my father and I to look into surgery. When we finally did, we found out that surgery would only fix my eye "cosmetically" At least I could look like everyone else, was what the doctor seemed to be saying. I didn't feel that was worth the cost and pain of eye surgery, so I never had it done.
   Then I learned about vision therapy while I was looking online, desperately searching for an answer because I was sick of the head aches, the random double vision, the eye fatigue. And then, I found my hope, after years of being told that I had none. Vision Therapy was proven to fix people like me, older than me, in ways that I had never even imagined. But, more of that later...